Man and woman kissing in the kitchen Photo by Toa Heftiba at Unsplash

Relationship ‘Fake News’: sex and intimacy

Love and Sex · 5 min read

Here’s our list of the top myths about sex! Take a look and see if you believed any of these misconceptions about intimacy…

It’s all about penetrative sex and simultaneous orgasms!

Media hype can make us feel that sex happens in certain ways. Time to get real! Sex is sometimes passionate and exciting, and other times it’s just ok. Sometimes sexual intimacy builds up slowly and gently, at other times it’s spontaneous and intense. 

Many women find they do not experience orgasm from vaginal penetration alone but that sexual intimacy can be enjoyable in many ways: different sexual positions; oral sex or using your hands to give pleasure. Using a vibrator can also help a woman to feel aroused. 

It can also be liberating for many couples to take turns giving each other the gift’ of sexual pleasure without the need to reciprocate, orgasms don’t have to be simultaneous at all.

Having sex on the stairs and up ladders is fun! 

You can have sex wherever you want and it’s good to have variety …but we don’t need to feel pressured by the Bridgerton fantasy, or porn. If you want to keep sex to the bedroom that’s fine too. 

It’s good to try new things and be creative, to give and receive pleasure, particularly through the seasons of a marriage, although Sex and Relationship Therapist Emma Waring advises 3 important rules:

People stop having sex over fifty

No they don’t! Hormonal changes and other health related issues for both men and women might affect the sex drive of some people, but there’s no reason to stop having sex at any particular age. Definitely. 

Porn makes sex better

Porn may feed our desire for new and exciting sexual experiences but there is growing awareness of the many negative effects: damaging men’s sexual health affect his ability to have orgasms and even rewires a user’s brain. Porn is highly addictive, and like a drug people end up looking for stronger stuff to get aroused. Pornographic images also have a way of entering imaginations, bringing another person’ into the bed. Someone usually ends up getting hurt.

Sex will always be good

In the early whirlwind of feelings sex may be incredibly exciting, or it may be awkward and difficult. Many people believe that sex on the wedding night will be amazing and romantic films and novels feed this belief. But there are many reasons why this isn’t always the case: often couples find they are tired; shy or in pain; or there has been childhood trauma or abuse. 

In long term relationships there are lots of reasons why sex may not always be great: stress, arguments, illness and certain medications, mental health issues such as depression and grief are a few. Different seasons in life bring challenges, babies and young children can leave parents feeling exhausted, so the last thing they want is to chase each other around the bedroom (but if they do we recommend a lock on the door!) Low self esteem and body image can also affect couples.

One of the best ways of dealing with changes in sexual desire is to talk. It doesn’t have to be awkward to talk about sex! Talking about it with your partner helps with better communication and listening skills, and talking openly also builds trust and intimacy. 

Sex and Relationship Therapist Emma Waring gives her top 3 tips for improving intimacy in the bedroom.

You can get help for many issues and I highly recommend Emma Waring’s book: Seasons of Sex and Intimacy, which is full of very practical wisdom on all aspects of sex and intimacy. 

Having a disability will stop you having sex.

Disabled people have sex and they like it. Yep. Shocking though it may seem, disabled people are just like, well, everyone, really. Sex is important. Find out more at: Enhance UK

Sex with different partners will add spice

People will have their own views on this, but generally trust, honesty and playfulness are destroyed when one partner has sex with someone outside of the relationship, especially in marriage.

Sex is everything! It’s the supreme expression of love…

Sex is a pretty special way of communicating love, and it is connected to happiness But, whether you have sex frequently, occasionally or not at all, what is important to your well-being depends on whether sex matters to you and your partner. Sex isn’t the only form of intimacy, our recent blog sex, love and intimacy …how to make your relationship thrive’ explores the subject in more depth. 


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Toucan Together’s Loving Module gets beyond the cliches about love. Learn to speak each other’s Love Languages ®; explore how your experiences growing up influence the ways you give and receive love; and understand any barriers you may have. Part 2 helps create a conversation around intimacy, romance and passion to help you grow a thriving sex life. GET STARTED NOW | LOG IN

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